Hi everyone. I've been searching for a forum similar to this one for, well, quite some time now. Having finally found one, I figured at least introducing myself would be the appropriate way to go about things, so here we go.
I'm in my sophomore year of college studying Computer Science at Ball State University. Apart from enjoying working on computers, I am a trombonist in the university Wind Ensemble, and I'm in the university Trombone choir as well. I'm currently working on the Grondahl Concerto, as well as the Alessi publication of Carmen Fantasy.
As far as my atheism goes, I was a Christian up until my freshman year of high-school, when I had a run-in with the dangers of blind, unerring faith. After being shaken by that, I distanced myself from the church for a time. As time went by, I began to look at things from the outside, and realized just how illogical some of my former friends were. They would reject science in the name of their own reality, and their fear based moral system made them unhappy. To make a long story short, I am now happily an atheist, and happier now than I ever have been in my life before.
Anyhow, feel free to ask me whatever questions you'd like, and a big thanks to those that made this site possible.
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On a completely separate note from me introducing myself, I've got a problem that I'm looking for some insight and suggestions on. My girlfriend and and I have been discussing engagement for a few weeks now. She attends a highly religious university only about forty minutes away from mine. Before going there, her responses to religious discussions were always "Well, I don't know." I was fine with that answer. We had a discussion about religion the other day however, and she admitted that she believes in the "Young Earth" creation theory, and that she is 98% sure that there is a god, and is 50% sure that it is the Christian god.
I guess... I was a bit startled by that. I didn't know how to answer without making her sound stupid. My usual response would be something along the lines of "Well, you know that we've dated the earth to be much older, right? Around 4.5 billion years, give or take about 5 billion years." I don't want to go that route though, because alienating her isn't my goal. At the same time I worry that we may be going in two totally different directions, and I feel that I may need to simply break things off with her because of the widening gap in our ideologies.
I would REALLY appreciate any help with that particular problem. I've awkwardly avoided the subject for a few days, and I'm not quite sure what to do there.
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Hi Star. Welcome!
Sticky situation with this gal you're seeing. It sounds like you're very near a decision on what to do if you're not already there. It's your shot to call.
Ask yourself some questions. Ask yourself what life with her might be like in 10 or 20 years. What about kids? If you plan on having them, how would they be raised? Why would you feel the freedom to say the 4.5 billion year thing to others but not her? Should what you think about it alienate her? If it does, will you have to stay silent about other things too? How come she is free to tell you she thinks the earth is 6k yrs old but you're not feeling free to say otherwise? Was the discussion you did have with her about religion tense?
The conversation we had wasn't tense, but it WAS awkward. She admitted that she didn't say anything about it before because she didn't want to alienate me either, and only brought it up because it is something that came up in our discussion. So neither of us feel extremely free to really talk about what we believe, out of the fear of harming or alienating the other.
I guess I'm still indecisive, as far as that goes. Part of me wants to give it a shot, but push engagement back a few months and see how things develop from there.
As Zap said, you need to think about it really hard.
This is no joke, we are talking about your future and hers + children if you plan any.
You cannot build a relationship on sand, you need solid foundations.
You need to go at the worst possible scenario and survive it to be sure that you are for each other.
Else any other problem that may pop up in the future will just be added to the problems you already have and the volcano might explode.
My parents are divorced and they divorced because they weren't honest and clear about what they wanted from start.
They spent 7 years in engagement before marrying.
Yea, 7 years are not enough if you are not clear and honest with what makes you happy.
I would strongly suggest that you take this matter with with utmost importance as if you life depends on it. Your own happiness/others does depend on it.
Some questions you should ask yourself:
Will your children be babtised? and will you pretend that your child is born a sinner?
Will you marry in a church? and accept that god has united you two together?
Do you wish to live your wife's fantasy just to be with her? Will you feel the same in 10 years?
Will your lack of belief hinder here theistic habits like you not going to church ever sunday etc..
Will she fell bad about it, will this score you less points with here when some other issues pop up?
Welcome to the site.
Answer a feu questions, if you will.
How old are you ? How old is she ? What do your parents say ? What are her parents' convictions pertaining to religion ? What is their opinion of you ? Can she live with you, being an atheist , while she has influence from her church ?
Being married is a difficult arrangement at best. Most fail in the first feu years.
Lots of couples stay together for the sake of the children, but that's a mistake . Have you two talked about things like this ?
It might be a good idea to get some counseling before you take the plunge. Don't let her convince you to talk to a priest though.
I would most likely talk to a priest willingly, the problem would be that that the priest would not want to talk to me anymore :P
Well, so far it seems like you and your girl really like each other. If your willing to put your religious beliefs aside and well make your relationship work it can. My parents for example love each other and have been together for around 60 years my father is an atheist and my mom is a devote theist. So it can work!!
As Cyber and Jeff said,assuming you guys stay together ;) you do want to put serious thought into it. You can't expect to go on having a relationship forever and both avoid talking about it simply because you don't want to alienate each other. Assuming one day you might have kids, you got to decide how your going to raise kids before the relationship goes there. Are you going to raise them like my parents did with a strongly religious upbringing? Are you willing to respect her beliefs even if you don't agree with them, even if she pushes them on your kids which happen to be her kids too? I mean you can agree to give it your best shot but however plan to tell your kids your honest opinion if they ever ask. Despite our catholic upbringing me and my siblings I say are split just about down the middle when it comes to belief versus atheism with slightly more of us on the atheist "team" so to speak.
My father still goes to church every week with my mom to keep her happy. I think my mom still hopes after all these years something will make him a believer. If your reading this, good luck Mom!
What Jeff said above is true, you can't build a relationship on sand and you do need a solid foundation. That foundation should start with honesty respect and love for one another. It seems like you guys might have this, but can you really bring yourself to respect something such as the new earth theory. If she thinks this belief is an important part of her to disrespect it would be in effect to disrespect her. What Jeff proposed for questions you should ask yourself are really good questions for you to take the time contemplate the answers for because life though sometimes short can be a really long time to live with a decision. But don't let this scare you. make a decision and live with your choice you can't afford to be wishy washy with a life partner.
Obviously if your here looking for advise you care both about her and your (the two of your) viewpoints, now what I'm about to recommend could end you relationship, but I still think you should do it. I think you guys should pick a time each week where you discuss your views on the matter. I think if you guys are both willing to work for it and you both love each other, you can find a way to respect each other and your differing views even if you never agree and make this all work.