I see a conflict brewing between the Pastafarians and the rising rice noodle advocates; who, if backed by the glutenists, pose a grave danger to the free, food-loving and peaceful Pastafarians among us.

The rice noodle clans cannot be trusted. Did you know they use no colanders? And the glutenists are hell-bent on making us give up pasta because a few might have a reaction if they consume it!

Thousands of years of consuming pasta cannot be undone by a few extremists. It's time to rise against this terrible tide, take up our forks and eat, free of the fear from the few, and the blasphemers who deny your colanders.

Personally, I'll have a doughnut..maybe some coffee...carry on.

Free and proud,
Daniel McCoy, reporting from the front