Hello everyone. thank you for reading. I'll try 2 explain well to you an experience I had .there was one point in time I was not doing well at all. I was a bad alcoholic and love my pot .I drank everyday .all my decisions were made was impaired decisions .I was arguing with family and my father's idea of helping me when I was at my lowest in deep depression. he felt to wrath upon me and treat me horrible would somehow help me .he kicked me out of the house and made a little room out in the woodshed to live. I was not doing well at all .losing my car my four-wheeler jobs. I drank because of the world around me .and the people and the way they treated me . and I just felt stepped on .walked all over. used abused in every way by other people .I felt you all did not deserve me in this world .for I felt that I was and good man. that did not deserve what I was going through .I took people first all the time. I did not take myself number one .so I ended up feeling behind. or below. or last in line. and least important. I was always told that I'm mr. Nice guy but that was the problem. I was nice to you. but not to myself .and so I suffered because of it. now instead of taking people first before myself. I take us all as equals even God and Devil. Life Is Life .and must all treat each other like wise like gods .Not land beast called human. some poor .sad .pitiful. unequal .unfair. creation .a failed attempt of some unequal God and his unequal son and it's created devil that finds itself to be unequal .it is sad that the human race is the ultimate creation of God. it's not said ultimate creation of bird ultimate creation of a maggot. ultimate creation of a giraffe .ultimate creation of dog .or do you got it backwards spell dog backwards. spell lived backwards. and tell me who's the one who lived after his death. but moving on 2 the suicide . in deep depression. and so I went and spent all my money on 3 30 packs of natural Ice 5.9% alcohol and an ounce and a half of pot and put two pill bottles of Trazodone F 150 mg on the table. I had 32 pills and if you don't know these sleeping pills two of them knocks me out all night and I have sleep insomnia .I took 32 pills of trazodone after after staying up for 3 long days and nights .cursing The World God devil Angels demons ghost aliens in outer space if they heard. cursed everything .and just wanted death for myself to cease to exist as if I was never created in the first place. And after I was done saying my peace and finished up with the alcohol and pot I took 32 pills of trazodone 150 mg and laid down in bed and started to feel my heart beat Harder Faster harder faster and harder until it was pounding in my chest fast .and then felt it expand .and pop .I felt my heart explode in my chest .and immediately I appeared in a room made of cloud clear as day inside. and to my right .a dead man laying down dressed in white with a shepherd's stick of wisdom beside him .with his face blurred out .and then before me was the the very thing I called God. I called him backwards I called him a dog .a low down dirty dog for even accepting to be my God my abandoning God. my non-existing God. my deadbeat Heavenly Father .and so it appeared to me as a Rottweiler .the dog I fear the most. with one kapural head and two spiritual on each side.the right head hung down as though it had a fatal wound on its mind. and as I looked back over to the dead body to my right. it's head turned same time as mine like a mirror .I just wanted to know what was going on and so I jumped towards the shepherd's stick of wisdom. and poof I'm back in the body .and in pain and so full of piss and s*** and I could not move I stared at the ceiling without blinking what I think was about 3 hours .talk about a freaky feeling .my parents said I was in that woodshed for 3 days and did not come out .they were afraid that I was dead .and I say I was. I have been given another chance but it is giving me knowledge that is so hard to explain. you just have to be in acceptance of what the father has created of itself is you .and you have free will because God was always a being a free will and wants to continue to be a being a free will. in the end you will have a choice to make. I truly feel that choice will be are you your own personal Jesus Christ or Your Own Worst Enemy Satan. you have to choose between God .and Devil to explain yourself and who you are. you are either good or evil. one or the other .being a sinner / saint means lukewarm .neither cold nor hot .and he shall spew you from his mouth .and so it is said anyway. that's what I make of that. I choose to accept that I am Godly .and not devilish .so do I have faith in God yes. I do. I have faith in myself .for my faith is my ability to overcome and Conquer life's problems set forth before me .not faith in something invisible and untouchable. and through me I create heaven Around Me. by walking with good intentions for myself. And think about it if you had good intentions for yourself you would unto others as well for you will be treated like wise. Jesus said that faith and love was for you .so accept it within you .have faith in yourself. at least as much as you do in a god .people who have faith and some other God. has no faith of Their Own. I called faithless .and they do not want to hear no evil .see no evil .so they will know no evil .not even know when they are evil .I call that deaf dumb and blind they are Blinded by the Light. and cannot see their way . They are lost souls searching for a god .and living on their knees as beggars to be saved from their own selves .when they cannot see that being saved is a personal choice of the individual . Being saved is living to increase number of days in your life. not decrease .they think they're innocent because Jesus forgave them. tell me .if you do not take a page out of Satan's book and forgive yourself. what good is the Forgiveness of Christ. if you cannot forgive yourself. so what you are in need of is the teaching of Satan .and it is said that Satan has good morals. and comes making sense on to mankind and Satan is God's number one angel .so that means his morals are better than any of ours. And everybody hates him and says he's so evil because he's his own God .tell me who is your God's God what's the difference. and it is also said that Satan is Judge of man's morals .and Satan is his own God .tell me your Jesus spoke of a god and Satan is the only one who has ever claim to God and if anyone's going to test your faith I'm sure it would be the creator of himself not create some evil despicable thing and stick it out after you because it loves you people of the churches make no sense to me they would have a man suffer horribly and even died just to nail their sins to him so they can be innocent sad that is so sad if Jesus Christ suffered and died for sin and forgave it that's allowing it to keep going he didn't suffer and die against it he suffered and died in the name of sin for sin there's a big difference between being an innocent child of God and a guilty sinner of Satan innocence like an animal or a child does not know what they do is so wrong one that knows he's guilty and has his problems identified has a fighting chance to become something respectable instead of something Despicable so I am a guilty sinner as Satan a the devil onto my own self all our suffering is self-inflicted there's nobody else hurting us God devil Angels demons it is all us all I see here is us all I know is us as it is said in religion my body is a temple in which where God exists well I'm the only one that knows I exist here it is also said if I deny myself life I did not God life I'm the only one that knows I'm here and why did God create us and then a myth of God and then leave us alone with a devil that is his own God testing us trying to break our faith to what begin a new faith in ourselves God himself is atheist cuz he has no God so religious people worship an atheist is that right or wrong the end now let all your hateful bashing begin