Shocking News Out Of Jamaica

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rat spit's picture
Shocking News Out Of Jamaica

From “The Daily Online Trubrador”

“Scientists around the world are shocked and excited about news coming out of Jamaica. A team of genetic researchers have successfully cloned a Tyranasaurus-Rex and transplanted Hitler’s brain into it.

The team says they have now created something so evil that God could not even compete with it. Pope Francisco the third was asked to comment on the revelations. He denied the team’s claim as “entirely fellatios” - but did state that he was both horrified and terrified at the creature. The Pope went on to say that if “God really wanted to, He could do anything he wanted (to).”

The team stated that their next project was to collect skin cells from the shroud of Turin, resurrect our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ - and bring about the second coming. The Pope refused to comment on the team’s goals but did go on to say that “God works in mysterious ways”.”

Contributing Author - Mark Markenson

You know. I’m sick and tired of Scientists doing the Lord’s work. It’s gotta stop somewhere.

- rat spit

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gupsphoo's picture
@rat spit

@rat spit

Are you joking, or are you seriously telling us that you really believe this shit?

rat spit's picture
I uhh. It’s a joke. I made it

I uhh. It’s a joke. I made it up. I think I’m funny. So I do things like this.

You see? The trick is to keep swinging the bat. Eventually you’ll crack one out of the park.

Humour, IMO, is like you try 100% of the time and maybe 12% of the time you get a real laugh out of someone.

IMO. it’s all worth the 88% failure rate.

Oh. My Uni day’s. I used to crack jokes during lecture and have an auditorium of 300 people all laughing. Those were the days. *sob*

Old man shouts at clouds's picture
@ Ratty

@ Ratty

As I was a professional comedy and dialogue writer for some years, yep the 12% success rate is a very good batting average. Fortunately the other 88% used to die in the room or the cutting room floor....but that's what we did day after day. Working for the dead we called it.

A bit like working in Mcdonalds but serving McJokes...but with less depression. Or in some cases more...judging by the suicide rate of my peers.

Being funny at Uni is nothing like doing comedy for a living...actually, looking back, it is not a lot like living, more like the daily balance act on a tightrope, with alligators on the fucking rope and sharks snapping below it...good times as I remember...an edgy life is better than none, or one that lacks wonder.

In Spirit's picture
@Old man shouts

@Old man shouts

Well I'll be darned ....scratching my belly button in a patch of poison ivy...I kept asking you if there was an artistic side to you.............. and there it is ! Good going Old man

rat spit's picture
@Old Man

@Old Man

Yeah. I think it’s true when they say comedy is all about timing. So, standing up there on a stage or putting it down on paper obviously distorts the spontaneity of it.

I suppose you and your crew would brain storm. I always thought it was interesting, watching a documentary on the Monty Python troop, that they worked in pairs - that they seemed to lean towards one particular member of the group.

It’s always a better time when people are laughing. When you’re in good company it’s nice how a simple one liner can brighten up the room.

The Evil One has an amazing sense of humour. You’re all probably sick of hearing about my “special friends” - but it’s true - the Evil One has a very unique sense of humour. We kept each other laughing for three days straight using a “where’s my goat?” line. Won’t make any sense to anyone else, but my insides were really aching after three days. I wanted it to stop, but I kept playing along. Eventually I had to ignore Him to save my sanity.

Cognostic's picture
That's so cute, Rat Spit.

That's so cute, Rat Spit. Now the Overlord has a little sister.

rat spit's picture
I know you’re fucking with me

I know you’re fucking with me, Cog. I just don’t know exactly how!

Grinseed's picture
Anyone remember the writing

Anyone remember the writing team for Sid Caesar and his Show of Shows?

Man, when those guys hot-housed they got riotous to the point that it felt more like an asylum than a writers' meeting.

Mel Brooks got his early break joining that team.
He claimed every day brought some outrageous dialogue and actions as the highest paid comedy writers in the US tried to frantically and outrageously out do each other as much for the point of honour as keeping their pay checks coming.

One day the bedlam that these clowns created reached such a crescendo that Mel felt he just had to throw himself out the window just for the laughs. He fell to the ground and broke his leg. He was done up in plaster for a few weeks but on the first day back, he strode into the office and up to the window as his fellow writers watched and without a word threw himself out again.

Now that's hard work. And all to keep Sid Caesar looking like a funny guy.

Randomhero1982's picture
At least Ken Ham will finally

At least Ken Ham will finally be able to see man and dinosaurs walk together...

David Killens's picture
They tried to clone Ken Ham a

They tried to clone Ken Ham a few times but each attempt resulted in a cockroach.

arakish's picture
David Killens: "They tried to

David Killens: "They tried to clone Ken Ham a few times but each attempt resulted in a cockroach."

Now THAT ⇑ ⇑ ⇑ I can believe.

rmfr

Nyarlathotep's picture
David Killens - They tried to

David Killens - They tried to clone Ken Ham a few times but each attempt resulted in a cockroach.

How do we know that wasn't a successful clone?

David Killens's picture
Please, I do not need

Please, I do not need nightmares.

Sheldon's picture
"They tried to clone Ken Ham

"They tried to clone Ken Ham a few times but each attempt resulted in a cockroach."

An improvement nonetheless, I think we can all agree? I mean the cockroaches won't espouse the same vapid creationists shit after all.

Randomhero1982's picture
Actually, I thought cloaning

Actually, I thought cloaning Ken Ham would result in something else......

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LogicFTW's picture
I think rat spit is a stand

I think rat spit is a stand up comedian looking for more material and testing new jokes out here. Maybe one day we will see a netflix special on rat spit and we will hear a few of the lines he has written here.

(Oh and the running joke is, netflix will make a special on any comedian whether anyone heard of them or not.)

 
 

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Tips on forum use. ▮ A.R. Member since 2016.
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rat spit's picture
List of notable deaths by
Grinseed's picture
And there was Alex Mitchell

And there was Alex Mitchell whose death by laughter was reported around the world in 1975.
Alex Mitchell

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