I was told, always start a speech with a joke. If an atheist play's devil's advocate, are they being hypocritical ?

One of the things I've noticed over the years about religious people is their lack of sense of humour. It almost seems like a condition
they have to acquire before their fellow theists will take them seriously.

Back in my youth I started to date this girl I met at college. She actually came on to me to begin with ( yes, I was a very handsome man ). We got chatting and one thing lead to another and we started going out on a regular basis.

Now, I was brought up in a catholic environment. That is to say, my grandmother was a regular church goer but my mother, even though she professed to love god, her life style was far from 'good catholic behaviour' shall we say. She was the black sheep of the family. Because of this, there was never any real restrictions placed on me as a person, she was kind of a hippy too. The point is, I had never experienced extreme religious behaviour.

It turned out, this girl's family were very strict born again Christians. I had no idea what that meant, I'd never met one before. Her farther was very high up in the church. He also, had a very strict rein on how his family should behave. Obviously, except his daughter. Bare in mind now, she was a virgin. She had been brought up in that strict environment from birth. She had been indoctrinated. As far as they were concerned, anyone who was not a born again Christian was following the devil, literally.

Obviously there was deep reservations from her family when she eventually brought me around to meet them. There was also a constant pressure applied by them for me to conform and join them, generally not spoken directly, but definitely hinted at in conversation.

I decided to go to one of their church 'meetings', more out of curiosity than anything else. I had already developed a strong will and personality of my own ( partly because of my mother ), so there was no real coercion, although I could see how that would be the case for others, caught in their 'trap' of 'kindness'.

The 'meeting' was actually kind of surreal. I drove there with my girlfriend and when we arrived at the parking lot of the venue, we were immediately greeted by a group of her young friends, while we were still in the car. She got out and started talking to them, while I sat in the car, busy on my phone for a few minutes. A couple of her friends came to my open window and greeted me. They asked me If I was coming in. I said I would in a moment. To which, they replied, "you don't have to be afraid you know?" "There isn't anyone REALLY spiritual here today." I ignored the comment, laughing to myself, and proceeded to follow them in to the building.

I walked into a hall that had a table at the front with a number of chairs placed in the traditional manner. There was about one hundred people there, all seated. I chose to sit on a chair on the back row. The 'service' or what ever they called it, was basically a guy standing at the front talking about 'deep' religious concerns. Except this time, the guy at the front was the father of my girlfriend.

Now, you have to understand the atmospheric situation. Normally, when you are in a crowd, there is lots of noise because of everyone talking etc. In this situation there is DEAD silence. Her father is a really intense looking man, with a really serious look on his face all the time. Anyway, he starts his talk, and every now and then, someone in the audience would close their eyes and start holding their hands up in the air. Not only that, but they would begin shouting or mumbling incoherent words (speaking in tongues they call it ). This went on for a while, and you can just imagine what I was thinking.

A short time later, her father starts to talk about 'newcomers'. This is when my ears prick up, more so. Everyone became silent again. He starts explaining how hard it is for people to understand the spirit of god when they are new, things like that. While he is saying this, once in a while someone would mumble in agreement to words he was saying. Now, while this was going on, a group of people from the back of the hall moved to stand right behind me, as close as the chair I was sitting on would allow. I did not turn around to see this, but I sensed they had done it. He then made some remark that clearly intended to mean me, and said everyone should now pray for the spirit to reveal it's self. Everyone was dead silent except a few mumbles of 'the speaking in tongue thing'.

Now obviously I was kind of distressed at this point. I had never experienced people behaving, on mass, in such an irrational way before. I have to admit, I started to sweat, my heart started to beat faster, my fight or flight instinct started to kick in, I felt the adrenalin pumping.

This is when her father said, "and now, hearts are going to be beating a little bit faster". I thought FUCK! Is this guy a mind reader? Does he have the power of GOD! Who are these people? Everything was rushing through my mind at a rapid pace. I thought, have I got to stand up and SHOUT something about acceptance before this extreme pressure stops!

Luckily, I had enough self control to weather out the extreme psychological and emotional pressure they were subjecting me too. I can easily see how others who have weaker dispositions falling prey to their tactics. The people of that church probably don't realise it, or maybe they do, but, they are the most evil, insidious 'group' of people I have ever met.

On one occasion, we were all seated at the dinner table. My girlfriends father ( at the head of the table of course ), mother and a group of children that her mother sometimes cares for during the day while their parents are at work. They were young girls, perhaps around 8 or 9. The girls and I were talking about eating beans for some reason. I made a very timely joke about calling a girl who ate beans, "windy Wendy", to which the girls cracked up in laughter. My girlfriends mother was trying very hard to suppress her laughter. My girlfriends father, had the same very serious face he always had.

I have often noticed, certain Buddhist monks, always seem to be smiling. I wonder why that is.

In recognition of humour as an antidote to life, I would like to post a few religious jokes. Feel free to post your own.

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds 
a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the 
circumcision.”

Before beginning the service, our pastor read aloud a note he’d been handed moments earlier. “It says here that I should announce that there will be no B.S. tomorrow morning,” he said. He tucked the piece of paper into a pocket and added, “I’m hoping they mean ‘Bible Study.