New Age Bullshit Generator

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chimp3's picture
New Age Bullshit Generator

Try it! Funny as hell!

http://sebpearce.com/bullshit/

It's like having your very own Deepak Chopra!

"The complexity of the present time seems to demand a deepening of our dreams if we are going to survive. Suffering is the antithesis of hope. Without will, one cannot self-actualize."

"The quantum cycle is approaching a tipping point. The oasis of presence is now happening worldwide. Soon there will be a refining of knowledge the likes of which the multiverse has never seen."

I used this today to argue with a New Ager about the "progress of infinite consciousness" (his words). I agreed with him by generating this poppycock. Pretty fun!

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TheBlindWatchmaker's picture
WTF?!?!?!?!

WTF?!?!?!?!

Evil Chimp3, You enabled my desk-palming via this link!

"Consciousness consists of supercharged waveforms of quantum energy. “Quantum” means an awakening of the psychic. To follow the vision quest is to become one with it. The goal of sonar energy is to plant the seeds of karma rather than illusion"

The woo is repulsive, I feel infected by it!

David Killens's picture
Thank you Evil Chimp3, that

Thank you Evil Chimp3, that web site is bookmarked, it is pure gold.

Old man shouts at clouds's picture
Fuck I love this....Chimp you

Fuck I love this....Chimp you are amazing...

You and I are beings of the universe.
We can no longer afford to live with desire. Without inseparability, one cannot self-actualize. You may be ruled by turbulence without realizing it. Do not let it eliminate the growth of your circuit.

The quantum cycle is radiating ultrasonic energy. Consciousness consists of morphogenetic fields of quantum energy. “Quantum” means a blossoming of the unrestricted. Nature is the nature of health, and of us.

If you have never experienced this explosion of the creative act, it can be difficult to reflect. Although you may not realize it, you are cosmic. Indigo Child, look within and heal yourself.

The goal of meridians is to plant the seeds of curiosity rather than bondage.
It is in evolving that we are re-energized. We are being called to explore the world itself as an interface between coherence and conscious living. The future will be an unified invocation of peace.

This life is nothing short of an awakening flow of infinite ecstasy. We exist as superpositions of possibilities. Today, science tells us that the essence of nature is balance.

TheBlindWatchmaker's picture
"Have you found your myth?

"Have you found your myth? The quantum matrix is calling to you via transmissions. Can you hear it? Lifeform, look within and strengthen yourself."

Old Man, Do you have any pills to take the edge off? I don't think all the wine in the world will touch this?!?! I'm scared!

Old man shouts at clouds's picture
@ TBW

@ TBW
Luckily I had just finished a bottle of Taylors Cab Sav/Mourvedre/Shiraz so was oblivious to the waves of woo from the interweb....

TheBlindWatchmaker's picture
Old Man,

Old Man,

Ohhh that made me happy! The pain in my skull is subsiding, Perhaps by a mix of the thoughts of that Shiraz and the bottle of Kendall-Jackson Vintage Reserve Chardonnay I have at home.

Randomhero1982's picture
Brilliant!

Brilliant!

I wonder if there is a ProgrammingGodJordan generator?

"I do not detect the relevance of this comment"

TheBlindWatchmaker's picture
Randomhero,

Randomhero,

oh my, the though! lol

"In my hypothesis"

Old man shouts at clouds's picture
"In the beginning there was

"In the beginning there was no belief
And Lo, there was an hypotheses that required
no credulity, only emptiness of thought and mind
Even those learned in the land and claimed Mastership and doctorates
were sore amazed by the erudition of the fishermans son.

That sort of thing?

Tin-Man's picture
Become one with yourself

Become one with yourself while expanding into the consciousness of those around you so that the single point of light you emit can be a beacon that ignites the passions of the galactic collective causing a raging inferno of inner peace to rapidly expand across the ocean of humanity.

Cha-CHING! Made that shit up MYSELF! I am a woo-generating FIEND!

(Love that site, though, but have to read in small doses. Start getting a little woozie and light-headed after too many.)

Nyarlathotep's picture
Those sound like the papers

Those sound like the "papers" of PGJ.

TheBlindWatchmaker's picture
"Dawkins new book

"Dawkins new book demonstrates entropy of supersymmetry in an Emu's brain confirms AGI"

Grinseed's picture
I think I'll wait a bit

I think I'll wait a bit before I go anywhere near that infernal woo generator...just to make sure none of you develop any debilitating side effects from its use......prognosis not good, even Tin has started making up his own shit....

Tin-Man's picture
@Grinseed

@Grinseed

No-no-no! DON'T WAIT! Come on in! The water's fine! *eyes glazed over with sleepy grin on face swaying gently back and forth*

Grinseed's picture
No Tin, its ok...I'll wait..

No Tin, its ok...I'll wait...am I mistaken or have you spray painted yourself saffron?

Tin-Man's picture
@Grinseed

@Grinseed

Saffron???..... Awwwww, maaaaaan..... I thought I was doing tie-dye..... Daaaaamn.... Oh, well. It's all groovy, dude. *goofy grin while munching on a cookie*

Tin-Man's picture
And be not as the down

And be not as the down-trodden burro, but lift your dreary eyes toward the sky and behold the eternal fig tree of existential kindness and partake of the delicious fruit of self-awareness provided from the roots of its radiating majesty in the realm of true inner consciousness so that you may reach toward yourself within your own external being where the opulent vessels of the morning dew spring forth in a bountiful tidal wave of enchanted sanctity and internal bliss.

Damn. I am really getting GOOD at this shit!

Edit to add: Anybody want some Kool-Aid?

TheBlindWatchmaker's picture
The Tin Man came down from

The Tin Man came down from the heavens to sacrifice himself for himself on the coconut tree of life,
Blessed is he who suppresses the yearning for the glorious coconut goodness for the folly of WD40.

He who wishes to enter Tin Man must appease him by squatting thrice daily in the direction of Western Samoa and pays homage to the prophet Lou Diamond Phillips.

All hail Tin Man

mickron88's picture
All hail..Tin Man..all hail

All hail..Tin Man..all hail Tin man..

i'll drink and take your tin can flesh and oil..

nom..nom..nom..nom...

i'm saved....i can be in metal haven now that i'm a tin-manian..

all hail Tin Man

TheBlindWatchmaker's picture
Just remember though, Lou

Just remember though, Lou Diamond Phillips is not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy!

mickron88's picture
yeah and he's half filipino..

yeah and he's half filipino...

(still chewing the metal flesh..) *nom...nom..nom.....nom**...

Tin-Man's picture
@Q

@Q

Just so you know, I am NOT responsible for your dental bills. And next time you take a bite out of me, please leave me a little something to sit on.

TheBlindWatchmaker's picture
"yeah and he's half filipino.

"yeah and he's half filipino..."

Yes on his Pastors side.

Tin-Man's picture
@TBW

@TBW

The reason I use Lou Diamond Phillips is because he is a guy who knows how to Stand and Deliver.

Cognostic's picture
Aw mannn... I could not get

Aw mannn... I could not get past the second page. My bullshit detectors short-circuited the connection between my brain and my fingers. I just don't want to believe people are that stupid.

Grinseed's picture
I applied for a job with a

I applied for a job with a company that sold natural oils and essences. A fairly big operation. As I sat in the waiting room I took the opportunity to read some of their sales material on offer.
It read just like it had come out of this bullshit generator you guys are fiddling with. By the time I got to the part that said "...and the natural resonance of the essence lifts the soul to the 11th spirit level where harmony and peace can be transcended..." I knew my brain was bleeding. It was eucalyptus oil they were writing about...its what koala bears live on ffs....though koalas do look spaced out most of the time....the interview was too strange to recount. Each of the interviewers had a distinct type of nervous twitch. Very Monty Python. I didnt get a call back. Thank fuck.
Anyway becareful with that word mangler.

chimp3's picture
Glad you all are having fun

Glad you all are having fun with it!

Cris Walcott's picture
how old are you and where are

how old are you and where are you from.

mykcob4's picture
@cwalcott

@cwalcott
Do you have a legitimate question and why does a "christian" looked stoned and flash "devil horns?" Where you at a christian rock concert, get drunk and or high when you took that picture? Or are you just always high or drunk?

Tin-Man's picture
Re: cwalcott

Re: cwalcott

Actually, Myk, it looks like he is at some type of arena where they have UFC fights. Even better, Bud Light is half off during the fights. Hell yeah! Praise Jesus! *thumbs up*

Edit to add: Whoops. Maybe not half off. Just Bud Light specials. Still, hallelujah!!!

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