Religion-Christianity and Islam does not say a lot about masturbation. It is not written so much in the bible or Koran but it is very much discouraged. It is so much a taboo that it is hardly if ever discussed. If a teenager or child or anybody mentions the word masturbate at a kitchen table the room becomes silent. Masturbation is sooo baaddd that Christians and Moslems never even mention the word. Yes Islam and Christianity talk about Hell and Heaven, homosexuality is sin, heathens and fornicators, what day to honor the Sabbath, not to eat lobster, how great God is and pray to God five times a day, and Jesus takes away our sins, and Allah Praise be him is great(greater than Jesus), Christianity teaches us about Noah and the Flood. Islam tells of the great warrior Mohammad. The bible and Koran are filled with thousand of pages of "teachings" stories and all that nonsense. But not much about masturbation. Masturbation is so bad that it is not only not written in the holy books it is sacrilegious just to say the word MASTURBATE. So without a Holy Book to navigate the rules of masturbation I created a guide to help "believers" understand the taboos and pleasures of masturbation.

1. Never masturbate using the ladies home journal or people magazine
2. Using playboy(or play girl) or Penthouse Magazine is no longer preferable
3. The internet is flooded with all kinds of fantasies that will help you in your masturbation.
4. masturbating with a partner (hand job) does not count as masturbation.
5. Trying to break a masturbation record is futile as the record of 25 ejaculations in 12 hours is a world record never to be surpassed .
6. Never talk about your masturbation experiences to anyone(unless they have a sense of humor) because for some reason even outside of religion people don't talk a lot about masturbation. I don't know why. It is kind of funny
7. Try not to get "caught" masturbating". For some reason it can be embarrassing. I don't know why . It is kind of funny
8. If it happens and in the middle of masturbation someone is about to discover your pleasure --quickly cover up and make believe your reading a book or quickly turn on the TV

I am tempted to go on and on in more detail about masturbation but sometimes my innocent attempt at humor or satire is perceived as "trolling" and I have been banned for my indiscretion by just trying to be funny. Hopefully by stopping now I haven't offended the executive's at "banning central" (comedy central I would be praised) and I will remain in good standing.