Hey guys,

Quick recap of my life. I grew up Evangelical. I was heavily involved in apologetics. In college I converted to Catholicism after realizing the Catholics showed up pretty early in Christian history...and Evangelicals were pretty late. I abandoned the project of apologetics and settled for theology. I also abandoned ID for evolution. I allegorized much of the Old Testament to get around the hard bits. I adopted universalism to solve the problem of eternal suffering (via some early Christians like Origen and Gregory of Nyssa and modern ones like David Bentley Hart). I also agreed with most NT scholarship on how the NT authors sometimes lied about their identity or how the events actually went down. Basically here I am in my 20s and I have a ton of knowledge of Christian theology and feel pretty secure in my beliefs. I arrogantly see myself sometimes as being a jedi-Christian with a super-nuanced view of what Christian teaching actually is. I look down on silly atheists who basically think they've disproven Christianity because they realized there's mistakes in the Bible. I always told myself that the atheists are basically ex-fundi Christians who never learned about Divine Simplicity (and hence believe in a sort of pagan Christian god) or never learned about a proper theology of the inspiration of scripture (and hence believe the Spirit actually teaches us through scripture that the big bang is a lie or that God likes to kill Canaanite babies).

But then the other day I did some brushing up on the historicity of the resurrection of Jesus. And something bothered me. For the first time in my life, I saw that Jesus *might* not have raised from the dead. Like I saw it only as a possibility. I rated it at like a 1-5% chance when I played it out in my head.

Then I realized something. If I knew of a natural explanation of where the first Christians got their ideas from, why wouldn't it be rational to believe that over a supernatural explanation?

Now I'm terrified. I'm invested so much of my life into Christian theology, apologetics, fighting atheism, etc. I always thought most atheists suck at arguing against Christians too because I always knew of better arguments against Christianity than they. But now I think I beat myself at my own game. My faith has been slowly falling away. I've cursed out God because I sometimes think He's abandoning me. I'm terrified I'm making a mistake.

Anyways, I'm finished spilling my guts. Looking forward to hearing from atheists on this site. Be easy on me. I've been a closet agnostic for a few days now.