This is more of a little game/bit of fun that stems from the insane variety in species on our planet and how a 'god' would 'logically' go about it...
MAKING A BEES...
GOD - "And now stick a needle in its arse!"
ANGEL - "Do what???"
GOD - "A needle... up it's arse!"
ANGEL - "Eh... ok?!"
GOD - "And makes it's puke delicious!"
ANGEL - "WTF?!?!?!?!?!"
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God: Make it baby sized, soft, cute and cuddly with big eyes.
Angel: Ahhhhh!
God: And just to keep it interesting, give it razor blades for fingernails, daggers for teeth and the attitude of a killer.
Angel: What are you going to call this thing?
God: Kitty.
(ANGEL - "WTF?!?!?!?!?!")
then the angel said to god: "you do it, you're god for god fucking sake man!!!.. you don't need any help for these creating things, you got 1 job god 1 job..fix it.."
*god just scratches his chin..
Diety Now I want you to make some slugs.
Angel ok what are they?
Deity They're slimy horrible tubes of puss.
Angel Er ok, what do they do?
Deity Mostly they eat plants but they'll be food for all sorts.
Angel Urgghhh, ok, do we need more than 1 species?
Deity oh about 5000 different species should do.
Angel Wtf?
MAKING PANDAS
GOD - "I want a fucking cow bear!"
ANGEL - "Do what?"
GOD - "You heard me! A cow bear!"
ANGEL - "Er.....?!?!?!"
GOD - "Right... take a cow.. And make it into a bloody bear!"
God: I made man in my image, and now the little twerps sin against me.
Angel: But you’re omniscient, you knew they would.
God: I should just cause a flood and kill them all.
Angel: How about something a little less harsh?
God: Alright, I am merciful after all. I will create an insect and I will call it mosquito. It will swarm and bite them suck their blood and cause them painful diseases and sometimes death.
Angel: That’s the Spirit I know and love.
MAKING THE FORBIDDEN TREE
GOD: lets make a tree to test out my new creation..i call it the forbidden tree
ANGEL: why do you have to test your creation(adam and eve) since they are both perfect and created by your image?by the way why you have to do that if you already know whats going to happen..
GOD: well...uhhhgf..damn it..don't question me...just do as i say, remember i'm GOD!!!
ANGEL: ok so i'll put this tree way way off from the garden...that the humans can't easily see it, since its forbidden right god?
GOD: no no no no...lets put it on the center of the garden..and let the forbidden tree bare forbidden fruit that they are forbid to eat
ANGEL: OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!!! why? why? why?
GOD: it'll be fun..trust me "I'M GOD" !!!!!
ANGEL: *face palm* ...turned around and mumbling (...&@#%!*..stupid god!)
~sorry about the edit..its (forbidden fruit)..
ok moving on...
God: Go to the Southern and Southwestern United States and teach them how to slow cook meat with smoke! We will call it Barbaque!
Angel: Why?
God: They don't sacrifice animals to me anymore and I miss that savory odor.
Angel: What about swine? Can they cook the swine now?
God: Those things smell delicious! I don't know why I ever banned those things! Make it happen, Number One!
ANGEL - "these giant fucking dinosaurs are a bit..."
GOD - "Awesome?!"
ANGEL - "No... kinda..."
GOD - "A-frigging-mazing!!!!"
ANGEL - "No... they're kinda boring..."
GOD - "Your shitting me?!"
ANGEL - "wouldn't it be cooler to have some bipedal fuckwits running around scratching their arses, picking their noses and randomly killing one another in your name?"
GOD - "HOLD MY BEER!"
God "I'm bored"
Angel " Well, what are you going to do about it?"
God "I know, I'll ask the Devil about what to do?"
Angel "What did the Devil say?"
God "He said that for every good thing I do, he will make something bad happen."
Angel "So why are you sad?"
God "Man, I wish I were the Devil!"
I'm bored
CLAP CLAP
That's better, at least I can now see. But there's nothing. I need to fix that. Let's see, sky, water, dirt, some bushes and stuff. Hmm, nothing much happening, I'm still bored.
This sucks, but I know what to do. Man, woman, wars, sacrifice, slavery, and finally, the culmination of god's work ..
CLICK
And now, here's Johnny ....
Where's that beer.
God (Standing just inside open front door looking outside) " ....Okay! Bye-bye! Go have fun with your war. Remember, I've got your back!" (chuckling to himself as he closes the door) "Heh-heh-heh.... Ahhhh, I love that guy."
Angel (coming in from another room): "Hey, God. Who was that?"
God: "Oh, that was just my buddy Jephthah. He stopped by to ask me to help him win some big war he is about to go fight."
Angel: "Oh, okay. So, are you going to help him win?"
God: "Hell yes! Why wouldn't I? He's my bro! He does all kinds of cool shit in my name and gives me the credit. Besides, he promised to do me a favor in return."
Angel: "Cool. That's nice of you. Soooo, what exactly is he going to do for you after he wins the war?"
God: "Well, since he knows how much I just LOVE human sacrifices and the smell of burning flesh, he told me he would kill and burn the first thing to come out his front door when he returns home from the battle. Is that freakin' awesome, or what?" (bouncing up and down and clapping excitedly)
Angel: "Uhhhhhh..... Wellll... I dunno. Maybe?... Hey, exactly what is it anyway about you and the whole sacrifice and burning flesh thing? That's just kinda creepy, if you ask me."
God: "Hey, wise ass, listen up! It's all just a part of my being mysterious and shit. A lot of technical stuff you wouldn't understand. Stop asking so many questions already! You're ruining my good mood."
Angel: "Alright, alright... So damn touchy! Sheesh!"
God: "Oh, hey, you want to hear the best part of this whole thing?"
Angel: "Probably not, but go ahead."
God (big smile on his face and wide, excited eyes): "Get this.....When ol' Jeph gets home, it will be his ONLY DAUGHTER who walks out the door to meet him! Isn't that hilarious?" (laughs loudly and slaps Angel on the back)
Angel: "What the...??? Hold on! You already knew that, and you let him make that deal anyway??? Dude! That is totally fucked up!"
God (still laughing): "I know, right? Best.... prank.... EVER! Boy, I can't WAIT to see the look on his face when he gets home!" (rubbing hands together briskly and giggling) "Hmmm.... Wonder if I have time to set up some hidden cameras to record it?"
Beautiful! Made me snort my coffee!
@ TM
You should have had my work this last 10 years! Glad you didnt!
@Tin-Man
ROFLMAO and sad.
It is a funny story, but it also reminds me of my twin daughters...
rmfr
@Arakish
My sincerest apologies, Arakish. I cannot even remotely imagine what that must be like. Any words I may have to say would seem terribly trivial in light of your loss. But the fact you are here and able to share with us shows a great inner strength, and for that we are honored by your presence.
Some very funny posts here, I've seen this post on twitter, great fun.
Allah: I am the last and final God! My followers will eventually prevail and have sole access to Paradise!
Yahweh: My Christians will prevail, especially after I send the kid for his second visit. Then, I will send the Jews their Messiah and let them rebuild the Temple. Then I will have two groups of believers owning Paradise.
Vishnu: My followers will keep being reborn again and again until they escape the Cosmic Wheel of Life, Suffering, Death, and Rebirth. Then they will enter Cosmic Bliss. Since, I am all that exists my ego will swell until I encompass both of your Paradises!
Angel: You know, eventually you will have to come to some agreement about which one of you is right! They are getting smarter by the century and are beginning to catch on to your mythical status!
Allah: What should we do?
Vishnu: Chess tournament?
Yahweh: Texas Hold'em! Winner take all! Angel, you deal! Hey Zeus! You want in on this?
Zeus: No! Love to, but I maxed out my credit playing Strip Poker with Aphrodite at the Oracle of Delphi!
@Tin-Man Re:
"My sincerest apologies, Arakish. I cannot even remotely imagine what that must be like. Any words I may have to say would seem terribly trivial in light of your loss. But the fact you are here and able to share with us shows a great inner strength, and for that we are honored by your presence."
Never apologize. It all stems from severe PTSD. Something that is with me the rest of my life. There are far too many things that will remind me of my wife and daughters to require apologies from any and all that MAY trigger a memory. Besides, it seems no matter what the trigger, the memory is ALWAYS a good one. Makes me happy, but also makes me sad. Happy because I remember the good and loving memory, sad because I still miss them so much. It is something that shall be with me forever, or until I die, whichever comes first.
@All AR Members,
If I comment saying something about missing my wife and daughters. Please do not apologize. Most often, I may be thanking you for triggering a very fond memory.
rmfr