I'm Stew , I'm 37.
I grew up a Roman Catholic and lost my faith between teh age of 17 and 24. I now see myself as an aetheist.
I was heavily into my faith so much so that I wanted to be a priest.
When I realised that I was also Gay that caused me many years of toture and pain inside.
I couldn't go through with what I saw as my vocation because I couldn't bring myself to lie to a congregation of believers.
The loss of God in my life is probably the most difficult journey I have ever encountered.
I recently spent 3 weeks in Italy look at the art of the rennaisance which is mostly in Churches and cathedrals.
Long story short, I had a number of profound experiences, I kept crying and feeling a massive sense of loss when I went into
these places.
It took 3 weeks and a lot of wine to figure that I have never grieved for God.
It's odd for me in the fact that God was my best friend and I eventually come to the cinclusion that my best friend
doesn't exist, my world became empty and void of meaning.
All of that aside, my main question is....
How do I say goodbye? I want Closure.
You get to grieve for the loss of friends and family etc etc,
but to me thats what God was , God was my everything.
I want to say goodbye but how do I say goodbye to something that never existed.
I have posted on 3 other forums and so far only one got back to me and TBH I felt placated with very pedestrian advice,
like help out in the community, ( I already do as much as possible) but I'm not looking to fill in the roll that I missed ,
I want to move on.
Thank you for your time
God Bless you all (Jokes INIT)
xxx
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well I went through the same experience also wanted to be a priest at the age of 14-15.
But now it is so much in the past that I don't remember it.
Like a childhood foolish dream.
Your situation is a bit different since you came later to the light of reason and it was mostly due to a shocking emotional response rather then intellectual awakening.
If you still feel the loss of a friend then you did not yet awaken from the delusion, even if you wish you are.
"How do I say goodbye? I want Closure."
My advice is to seek more knowledge of the truth.
What I mean is, try to understand why did you believe this in the first place.
Not the history of it, but what made you accept this delusion in the first place.
What were your feelings?
Could whatever bliss you felt be explained in any other way?
You don't need to declare those feelings you felt every time you prayed as wasted time.
For now you don't need to let go of your imaginary friend if it makes you happy.
Hell sometimes I talk to myself just to have a clearer thought and to see how people would react to what i say.
You just need to understand that your imaginary friend is no one else but yourself, your conscience, the good you.
Watch this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-j8ZMMuu7MU
You have been manipulated to confuse your conscience with an imaginary friend called god.
It takes time to heal from that, it wasn't easy for me too, it took a year to get my head clear and understand my actual situation.
"The loss of God in my life is probably the most difficult journey I have ever encountered."
With time you will heal from it, I grantee you.
You will look back on it and smile, thinking that was the period you actually understood reality and yourself better.
Thank you Jeff, your advice is insightful and well considered. I will watch the video now.
Dear Stew,
I share your frustration and was (and still is) brooding over the existence of god. I am 53 years old and grew up in an environment similar to yours. Religion is the central feature of my life and I've never ceased to think of its existence. My belief in god is so well entrenched that in most part of my life I am convinced that god is always watching over us. Several years ago, I was convicted of a crime and was sentenced to a 2-year imprisonment. The charges were fictitious and fabricated by my ex-wife and I was made a victim of a crime that I did not commit. I almost died in prison and because of my poor health I was incarcerated most of the time in the prison hospital. I was a teacher before I was sentenced to prison and my life was completely ruined when I was finally convicted. My entire family abandoned me and so does all my friends and colleagues. When I was released at the age of 51, I could not teach because of my criminal record and I am now doing odd jobs to make ends need. I am now homeless, financial ruined and without a family.
In prison, I prayed hard and actually believed that somehow things will improve and god is always with me. I am after all innocent and had been a victim of a malicious persecution. I honestly believe when I was released in prison that by some divine intervention I will secure a job, earned a decent salary and rebuilt my life even when I am pass 50 years of age. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I tried hard to secure a job, calling and visiting countless of firms just to secure an interview - all without success. I am now unemployed and I survive by taking on any odd jobs available. I have not gave up and in fact grew more resolute to regain my life but certainly not by any divine intervention. My faith in god has completely diminish and I am now convinced that god is not listening to any of us. Pray as much as you like, but the truth remains that we are alone. Since god has abandoned me I am justified to abandon him too, if he does exist.
The morale of my story is we need to find strength within ourselves. Individuals like us who were taught on the supremacy and omnipotence of god are actually at a disadvantage because when we pray, our hope multiplies by hundred folds. After all, didn't god himself says "Ask and I shall give"? Well, the truth is you may ask but he'll not give (or is he even listening?).
My only advice is to those who in doubt on the existence of god to always remember that no one is listening out there. Nonetheless, we must main strong, seek comfort from our friends and others who are similarly experiencing dilemma and confusion, and stay away from religion.
Good luck to you and everyone out there..
Marcus
Thank you for sharing your truth and your pain with me Marcus.
I'm sorry for the hard time you have had and also the hard time you are having.
What is the subject that you teach?
Stew
I was six and didn't even know what an atheist was, but I knew that god wasn't for me, so I can only associate your position with the loss of my uncle. My uncle (fifteen years older than me) was my best friend for a lot of years and committed suicide quite unexpectedly when I was in my early twenties. The last time I spoke to him we had played two games of chess, each of us winning one, and agreed that we needed to meet soon and conclude the match.
I have the chessboard in home position on a spare desk. Do I expect him to move? I certainly do not. The question is; am I still trying to cope with the loss of my uncle or just trying to prove a point? But then, there's always the possibility that I just love my chessboard and it fills me with a sense of pride to see it sitting in home position, ready for a game, but it didn't always.
The point is, coping with a loss has got to be the single most personal thing a human can endure, and coping with the loss of something that all you have to do is turn your head and be reminded of has to be the most difficult. I can't tell you how to grieve any more than you can tell me how and when to setup my chessboard so saying "we get to" isn't any different than your situation. You have already begun the process, you just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can play a game of chess without squirming uncontrollably, something that 1.5 decades ago I wouldn't have believed possible, and one day you will be able to look at a church without doing the same I'm sure, but it will take time and understanding. Along the way you will find your own path with which to grieve.
Thank you Kat, your story about your Uncle is very moving and I love the image of the chess board that is quite profound.
Thanks so much for sharing that with me.
Maybe this will just take time, it's been a few years but at least I now know huh.