I'm struggling with this currently and would like to hear any arguments for an against. If I tell someone who is religious and cares for me that I am not it would be causing them pain. If I were to tell my mother that she would be hurt beyond belief and it makes sense to me. Who would want anyone even someone they just met to go to hell literally. (That's one of the many reasons I deconverted and why I believe many Christians either don't believe what they say they believe or don't understand the full weight of their claims based on their inaction). Is it ethical in any way to choose to alleviate some of my struggles by causing people I know emotional grief.
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Is it ethical to lie? Your morality is your morality in this regard. It may not be necessarily ethical but it may be necessary.
YOU SAID: "many Christians either don't believe what they say they believe or don't understand the full weight of their claims based on their inaction)."
Congratulations! That is an excellent summation. Now, should you wake the sleeping?
If you expose yourself, are you actually eliminating your struggle or simply changing it to something new. My guess is that you are in a NO WIN situation. You can be uncomfortable because you do not share with others or you can be uncomfortable because you share with others. This is called a Lose / Lose proposition. In a psychological session there are two ways out. But I fear you have only one way out.
The first way for a therapist is to comment on the situation. A mother that tells a child to empty the trash and then bitches at him for not doing it sooner or doing it wrong is giving the child no way out. In a session this can be pointed out and explored. However; if you point it out, it is the same thing as coming out. (It's not the same as emptying the trash.)
That leaves the other option. Leave the scene. Find ways to LEAVE. Isn't that what you are doing here? Go to places where your Church members do not go and start friendships there. Join a local Atheist group and just don't talk about it to your Christian parents or friends. Plan ways to escape and begin living your own life in your own way.
My guess is that when you have built a sufficient support network, you will feel stronger and more in control of your life.
Responding to the OP. Is it ethical to spare yourself and others unnecessary pain? Sure. Is it ethical to tell lies for no reason at all? Of course not. When the need to be honest outweighs the reason for lying, I am sure you will do what is necessary.
If others have a problem with the truth, that is their issue rather than yours - although of course, you can help them come to terms with that.
You may find it optimal to refrain from telling others about you now being an atheist, and only telling them when you are outright put on the spot. A problem with that though is that others only find out at a time that is most inconvenient or otherwise problematic - e.g. when you or they are terminally ill.
In answer to your question: if telling the truth is not ethical, then it is difficult to see what could be considered an universal ethical principle, other than "do no harm".
If you lived in an ideal world, you'd presumably wish people to live by the truth and do no harm. Appearing to agree with your mother's views for the sake of harmony arguably goes against that.
But such scenarios are certainly very difficult conundrums. It may be best to express doubts about religion in varying stages rather than state your outright rejection: at least then, you can retreat if it feels necessary to do so.
@Sapporo
THAT.... IS.... AWESOME! About fell out of my chair laughing when I saw your new look! LMAO.... Fantastic! I love it!... *Big Thumbs Up*....
Oh, and it looks vaguely familiar for some reason. Trying to think of where I've seen it before... *scratching head*...
Larry, you asked, “Is "coming out" as an atheist ethical?”
There isn’t a rule book. My advice is to do what you think is the right thing to do. You know your situation better than anyone. Trust yourself.
Depends upon what you mean by ethical.
It is ethical for you to admit you are an atheist. Not to do so is going to cause a greater amount of pain to you than it would cause to others.
I guess this is the "choosing the lesser of two evils" kind of choice.
CyberLN summed it up perfectly. It is dependent upon your situation. You understand it better than any other person here.
Speaking from experience, due to the physical and psychological violence, torture, and terrorism churches were LEGALLY allowed to perform on people in order to convert them into "good Christians," forced me to pretend I got saved and was a believer for ten years before I finally got married and told my whole family that I had "faked" being saved and a believer. If you were to listen to me brother, even today over 35 years later, I completely broke me mom's heart and soul when I had come out as an atheist. However, if you were to look at the realtionship me mom and I have, you'd swear me brother was lying.
However, even I have to admit that me mom and I did NOT have the most cordial of relationships until after my family was murdered by a drunk driver. Funny how it takes an extreme tragedy to temper a mother's hatred for her son's atheism. Ain't it? Today, our relationship is one of "don't talk anything religious" and both understands and agrees. Just the rest of me family always gangs up on me at family get-togethers. That's a long story I ain't going into. Basically, me mom loves me, but hates the atheism. I reciprocate, except my love for her is unconditional. I could care less about her beliefs. She has that right.
My Fourth Commandment of Humanity: You shall respect the right of ALL persons to believe whatsoever they wish to believe; even if contradictory to your beliefs. You may discuss beliefs; however, forcing your beliefs onto others is condemnable.
Notice my Fourth Commandment never says anything about respecting the beliefs themselves. I respect the right to have the beliefs, but I do not have to respect the beliefs.
Again, I shall stipulate what CyberLN said, it is dependent upon your situation. How religious is your family? Are they inexorable with their "faith"? Or, are they a little more open-minded? My immediate family was not completely inexorable. Thus, it was easier for them to accept. There are many questions you have to answer for yourself. Currently, for me, it is mostly my uncles (except one) and my aunts and their children that are still inexorable. That is why I stay away from the family get-togethers.
And this so true. However, if they love you, they will get over the pain and accept it. Even before I knew of Christopher Hitchens (me favoritest speaker), I already had the attitude of "the problem is not me, but with them." Like I have said on these forums boards:
In other words, if my beliefs, or lack of beliefs, in any religion is offensive to others, then the problem lies with them.
Enough ranting. Time for me to shut the hell up.
rmfr
@OP
If you're an atheist then why does it matter? According to atheists everything is subjective so who cares?
You seem to think that something does not matter if it is subjective. For me, those are the very things that do matter.
This was a particularly stupid claim the first time you made it, and it doesn't get any less dumb when you repeat it. You're the one who has sought out atheists to angrily denounce them, nor are you alone, so the question might as easily be why do you care about the subjective opinions voiced by atheists? Though of course we all now know that you don't ever give any honest answers.
It doesn't take much for the facade of religions to peel away and for apologists to show their true hatred of those who don't share their beliefs, and have the temerity to say so.
I'm reminded again of this Hitchens's quote:
“Many religions now come before us with ingratiating smirks and outspread hands, like an unctuous merchant in a bazaar. They offer consolation and solidarity and uplift, competing as they do in a marketplace. But we have a right to remember how barbarically they behaved when they were strong and were making an offer that people could not refuse.”
SfT, you wrote, “If you're an atheist then why does it matter? According to atheists everything is subjective so who cares?”
WTF? So, subjectivity equals a disregard for ethics? Theists corner the market on ethics? An atheist should just say ‘fuck it’ because they happen to understand the nature of subjectivity? Wow. The OP is struggling with a very fragile situation and your response (as a theist, yet) seems to be to tell them their struggle is not real because you think they can’t possibly engage in ethical behavior or experience ethical dilemmas. Wow.
Larry, you're saying that religious folks should have a special privilege, (aren't you?)
If a person is an ATHEIST, and someone who is religious and tells them about it, it would be causing the atheist pain, (would it not?)
It'd cause even more pain if the religious person(s) called the non-believer a fool, for not believing, (the Bible says that they are). And more pain and grief for the non-believer, if the religious person(s) told them that they are a hopeless sinner, bound for hell, etc., etc.
If it is judged to be unethical for you to . . .
"Tell someone who is religious and cares for you that you're not, and it would be causing THEM pain" . . .
then it must be unethical in many ways, for the religious to choose to air their stories and their beliefs, thus causing atheists emotional pain and grief.
Yet proselytizing is a part of many a religious persons' modus operandi.
So isn't 'Sharing-The -"Good"-Word' unethical in spades?
Or is the answer that we should all STFU? I think not, and I agree with others in the thread, who say we should all tell the truth as we see it, and let others handle their own reactions to that. And there should be no SPECIAL privilege for the religious ~ we should all have a level 'playing field'.
Mutorc.
@Larry
Do you depend on your family for a place to stay or financial support? If you do then you should stay quiet until you live on your own.
Larry,
I was a long time member and even held leadership positions in church when I was a christian. The last 2 or so years as a member were hell because I had already changed my beliefs and was only going through the motions. I struggled with continuing to fake it or leave. I knew it would pull the rug out from underneath my family so I faked it for a while until I had finally had enough! Making the decision to tell others is strictly an individual one and there is not a one size fits all rule here. What may work for one may not be advisable for others.
Your situation in life should determine your decisions. If the result of coming out will risk physical harm to you or others, wait till conditions are more favorable. However, only you can determine the toll it takes on you both physically and mentally.
I am spending my time now enjoying my new found freedom while at the same time supporting and loving my family.
If your atheist so what who cares in my opinion. I think a person should look at the facts of something and study it before they consider coming atheist. Not all religions lead to god and not everyone is a child of god.
@Joshua Pryce
So you don't believe in a god? So your not a child of God? That would make you an Atheist.
Apparently some religions lead to ballet dancing in the hallway when you are alone. Just sayin.