In these dark and uncertain times I have taken to a daily pilgrimage, walking a triangle between the three supermarkets in my area in the search of blessed toilet paper, This morning after having failed in my quest at the first two stops I felt the urge to take a different route in the hope the change of scenery might soothe my troubled mind .
This little change brought profound results.
I passed by a little row of long established shops. One was a traditional Italian barber shop, (straight razor shaves and beef jerky available) which I had never paid much attention to before, but this time I saw something that stunned me right down to my old pagan heart.
In the barber shop window was a display of toy Vespers (step through motor cycles popular in Italy) and surging to the head of the pack, was a vision of Old Man Who Shouts at Clouds! (see photo - it has not been photo-shopped)
I fell to my knees. I heard my voice intoning "Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me! Muppet!".
I could not move nor take my eyes off the ugly little toy in front of me. I don't recall taking the photo, but it is on my mobile.
I could not feel my body and remained there for what seemed an eternity. Then the kindly old Italian barber helped me to my feet. I thanked him.
He said, "Don't mention it. You'd be surprised how often this happens. The local priest was to do an exorcism on it but it attracts likely customers. You wanna haircut?"
Later I found myself stumbling towards the last supermarket with a new neat number one cut (only $10 and a free sample of his excellent jerky) when I felt a great urge to shout at a cloud. It was a pretty non descript cloud. I cant recall exactly what I shouted at it but it felt exhilarating and empowering.
Borne along by my new found energy I sailed confidently into that sad crowded supermarket and took possession of the very last 12 pack of super-soft, hypo-allergenic, jasmine-scented, three-ply toilet paper.
My arse rejoiced, "Hallelujah!".
This was a true story that mostly happened in reality, except for the bits I made up, those parts that are purely allegorical and the left over stuff that is subject to personal interpretation.
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...*deep-hearted laugh*... Holy hell, Grin... That was an awesome story, and I am now sitting here with a huge and stupid looking smile on my face!... *chuckle*... Thank you for that. It truly made my day. (And the dude on the bike in the pic looks exactly like how I imagine Old Man looked when he was much younger... *snicker*...)
Were you praying to him?!?! Me thinks I might start! Fuckin’ awesome story!
@ Whitefire
Yes pray to me, then send me your bank details and make sure you include ALL your personal details and your banking Pin...just for security, then I will remove all those viruses on your computer and introduce you FREE to a Nigerian Prince who is lodging in my garage! He also has 36 MILLLION DOLLARS in bearer bods ready for you, two toilet rolls and a 1L hand sanitiser ( actually that's just fresh urine from some weirdo's cows, keeps sending me the stuff)....BUT IT WILL ALSO CURE COVID 19!
@ Grin!
Well done I did a lot of merchandising when I was a young geriatric , my marketing guru said Croatian money lenders and Italian barbers were the prime target for the Scooter Model.
Ah, I remember the day they took the full size cast, the sun was shining it was pouring with rain and the semi naked starlets were draped on my bike, my knees, the windows and the producer's large cigar.
They covered me with plaster cloth, patting it well into the crevices, nooks and crannies ( I have several orifi that have not nooked or crannied since) they did neglect to leave holes for my nostrils but fortunately my acidic prose ate through the lip part enough for me to breathe. Imagine their happy faces when came back for me the next week! Ah, we laughed.
Anyhoo they took a resin cast, threw it away and at 12 noon in the dead of night they moulded a miniature version modelled on the Trumpers genitalia, naturally this was pronounced far too small and insignificant but to lead to mass hysteria. So they eventually settled on a Hungarian hermit living in Oakland who unaccountably supported Kilmarnock in the Scottish League and the Tampa Bay Rowdies in something else, to hand carve my likeness in 1/52 scale, out of solidified Pomeranian turds. This was so amazingly successful that Marketing (then run by our current Prime Minister "Scumo") ordered twenty copies for distribution to the Italian Barbers and Croatian Money Lenders who had expressed interest!
I think one was delivered ..........
I hope the one you saw was not one of the many fakes and forgeries that have circulated since, confusing the faithful and not making me a fucking dime...bastards. Ignorant ill educated numskulls! Gah!
Get me a cloud, Doris, I need to shout at something....
But I did enjoy your story Grinseed.
@ Old Man,
No way was the idol a forgery! It's authenticity is undeniable. I have verifiable objective proof. I got me a haircut, free jerky and in the midst of a tissue famine of biblical proportions, I secured a twelve pack! Holy three ply! That's never happened to me before in my life, so it must have been a miracle. Don't solidified Pomeranian turds come up well with a bit of a polish?
I'm going back to the barber shop tomorrow for more genuflecting and this time I will shout at two clouds in the hope of being delivered of 4 litres of sanitised hand gel and more free jerky.
@ Grinseed
HOPE? F^&%^*( HOPE ??!!! *shouts at the sky for a few minutes* Look you muppet you just PRAYED to me....so of course you get your wish...oh, uh, just one thing if you could, you know, when you get a chance send me $50,000 by Western Onion as soon as you can then I will guarantee a $750 windfall in your bank by the end of March! How is that!
Proof!
@Grinseed
Hey, what Old Man says is the Divine Truth, brother! I am witness to his glorious miracles! Just last week I was praying to him for a new vehicle and a bottomless cup of coffee! And when I went to check my mail today, what do suppose I found in my mailbox?.... *allowing anticipation to build*... YES! That's right! A fabulous AR Rescue Vehicle and a large coffee mug that was broken into three pieces such that it had no bottom. A MEER'KLE, I tell ya! A true MEER'KLE!
(I would have taken a pic of the mug, too, but I didn't want to overwhelm everybody.)
Edit to add: Oh, and before all you doubters and haters start scoffing about my getting a bottomless coffee cup as opposed to a bottomless cup of coffee, it should be obvious I must not have made my prayers clear. So it is totally my own fault. (Either that, or the batteries in Old Man's hearing aids went dead again.)
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@ TM
When I find that courier who broke the "cat eating the tin man motif while wifey casts spells" into ONLY 3 pieces I shall make sure he wishes he really is fucking muppet!
That was a work of art I tells ya! Fucking MUPPETS!
Yeh the little vehicle is very cool. I loved bringing that to life for you.
@Old Man
Ah,memories.
A Vespa was indirectly responsible for me getting to drive the family car.
1965. Age 18, my parents had finally allowed me to get a drivers licence. BUT dad would not let me drive the family car.
My mother loathed all kinds of motorised bikes. She had the reasonable belief that they are more dangerous than cars, especially when ridden by teenaged boys.
I came home from work one night, and said excitedly; 'Have just seen this fantastic Vespa for sale ,it's only 40 pounds! (about $US 300 at the time) When dad got home from work and had had his dinner, mum said unto him; 'Grumblebum, give him the keys--"
and that was that, until 1967.
There were FOUR teen subcultures in South Australia at that time; Mods, Rockers, Surfies and 'Elizabeth mods', Brits** from the satellite city of Elizabeth. They drove Vespas , wore long overcoats, and were very belligerent. They would turn at venues en masse and a fight would soon follow. Me ? I was a mod as were all my mates. However, I never, ever, got into fights. I might have torn my new whatever- I-was-wearing -at-the-time .
**I've mentioned that Aussies have always had a some group to hate. From the mid 1950's it was the Italians, Greek and the Brits.
The Brits were called 'pommies' or more correctly 'pommy bastards' .That animosity didn't die completely until the early 80's when the Vietnamese refugees arrived and animosities changed almost over night. .
Of course the hatred de jour is Muslims. This is so entrenched in the Australian psyche that it has been used to form a shameful bipartisan, racist policy against refugees.
No,no, no no I was not praying to you.
It was more like I was having a Damascene moment, speaking in tongues...well your tongue to be honest, all those swear words and powerful glove puppet references, but I still insist I wasn't praying.
If I had been honest to god praying I wouldn't have got doodle squat, everyone knows that.
Jaysus, an atheist has to maintain some pride.
Just by reading this testimony my penis grew one millimeter larger both in girth and length.
A miracle !!!
Hallelujah, Testify Brother.
@David
You wanted yours to be BIGGER?
Mine was unmanageable before the operation. EG tripping over the scrotum in the dark, banging the glans penis on the door frame, that kind of thing---- Today all I need do is to take extreme care care when sitting down***
***literally true in my teens, due to the very tight jeans we all wore. They were the kind where you had to lie on your bed to put them on or to remove them. I kid you not.
I can draw only ONE conclusion. OMS has been to Italy or is of Italian descent unless the whole mess is photo-shopped or it could be just someone who looks like old man, it might not even actually be Italian, it could be a discontinued toy from Mettel or last years special toy from Mac Donald's. I have heard that OMS look alikes are popping up all over America due to his popularity. It could be a fraud. And that is all I have to say on the matter.