I'm currently in the proces of taking the utter piss out of the kjv bible, but not being a writer I have no Idea what it is I'm doing exactly. I do have some idea where I'm wanna take this, as its heavily inspired the abridged series parody I wand to lampshade the biblical stupidity and reference anctuall histoty in it.
The general structure is as follows the meat the of the chapter itelf minus all the egotistical pomp that rought follows the script, I'm not shure what to abrige and what to keep here. This part should consist of lines that mostly somewhat funny so as to no desenseitize the reader. Followed by a chaper summery that should take the utter piss out of it be very funny and chorter than the chapper itself, I'm unsure about a book summery but remember this an attempt at an abridged version brevity matters. And I sinsearly thank you for your help with this matter.
For instance in the istorical area I want to refrence:
* Historical innacuracies in the myth.
* The hystory of various jewish steriotypes like jewish greed.
* Some of the logical implications of scripture
And also some running gags
* Gawds infinite love/power/wisedom and utterly lambasting it.
* Chariost of iron Gawds kriptonite, definatly gonna use to explain the survivle of Egypt durring the flood.
* Randomly renaming fictinal characters and places like god=Gawd heaven=Funland.
* Gawds total lack of an indoor voice and humanities reaction to it.
* Men to whine and follow along to stick to the story, women are to snarky voice of reason.
* A lot of snark, it should be dripping with snark.
Here's the link
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1057z1FlZnz9qvfGHajzCW69YcUoaChyLSLzP...
and heres my take on geniesis 1
The Beginning
(oh dear)
1 In the beginning Gawd was floating around in the void, and in his infinite boredom wisdom decided to mix it up a little. Thus he created the heavens and the earth.
2 Unfortunately the earth was missing everything a little something, and it was too dark to see it anyways. But Gawd being a trooper hovered above the waters unimpeded.
3 And Gawd said in a rare moment of clarity “WHO TURNED OFF THE LIGHT?”.
4 And Gawd was pleased because he could finally see, but light and dark had a gradient between them so Gawd separated the two.
5 Not done yet Gawd named the light day, and the darkness night then called it a day.
6 On the second day Gawd thought it could use a little more mixing up, so he thought of a bubble under the water to seperate it from itself.
7 And so Gawd followed through with his poorly conceived plan and was content with his bubble.
8 And Gawd a little too pleased with himself his creation named just the top part of the bubble Funland, and thus he called it a day.
9 And Gawd told the water under the bubble to move off to the side which understandably left dry spot behind.
10 And Gawd referred to the dry spot as earth and the waters as seas, thus Gawd was pleased with himself again.
11 And Gawd was like “OOOH, THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING ON IT, SOME GREEN LUSH STUFF AND SOME BROWN TALL THINGIES WITH MORE GREEN LUSH STUFF. AND THEY SHOULD MAKE MORE OF THEMSELVES!”
12 And the earth grew the many grasses, herbs, ferns, tree, liching, algies, mosses, lichens, ect, and they could reproduce cause Gawd in his infinite power couldn't be bothered to do it himself.
13 And so Gawd called it a day.
14 And then Gawd noticed it was quite dark in his bubble and thought “MAYBE I SHOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT”
15 And Gawd decided to put some light in the bubble and patted himself on the back.
16 And so Gawd poked a bunch of holes in the top part of the bubble, two much larger than the rest this, understandably did nothing to solve the problem.
17 And so Gawd tried to plug them up by filling the holes with light.
18 And Gawd made the biggest two lights rule over the day and night respectively, during this he noticed that light and darkness had made another gradient when he wasn't looking and made them stop.
19 And so Gawd called it a day yet again.
20 And Gawd looked around at the waters and the sky and felt they were a bit empty.
21 And so the seas sprung forth with the whales and the dolphins, fish and the sharks, the corals and the crustaceans, etc and etc. And in the sky sprung forth the birds and the bats, even the flightless ones, and that they could also reproduce. And Gawd was mostly pleased.
22 And Gawd blessed himself them, telling them to fill both spaces with life, the lazy bastard.
23 And Gawd once more called it a day.
24 And so Gawd looked to the earth seeing only lush vegetation, he felt needed a little something more.
25 And so the earth sprung forth the many mammals that walk and climb, the bugs that crawl, the reptiles, amphibians, and whatever crossed his mind, and quite explicitly cows, and told them to breed as well. And Gawd had pleased himself.
26 And then Gawd felt the earth could use one final, personal touch.
27 And thus man sprung forth from the earth, thew formed two one male blessed with a strong jaw and chiseled build whose strength lies in his loins and his tail swings like a cedar and his stones hang low. And women blessed with common sense,a keen mind, curves and jiggly bits.
28 And then Gawd blessed them commanding them to “F*#K EACH OTHER AND THE EARTH WITH EVERYTHING THAT LIVES ON IT”
29 And Gawd continued “TO USE THE PANTS AND TREES AS YOU SEE FIT”
30 And Gawd finished with “AND USE THE ANIMALS AS YOU SEE FIT, ALL OF THEM”
31 And Gawd was pleased with himself, man and women were nearly deafened by Gawds voice and called it a day.
Thus Gawd in his infinite wisdom power and mercy haphazardly made the heavens and the earth, lazily cobbling it together over several days despite having the power to create a complex thriving universe in but a single fart. Thus condemning himself to an eternity of cobbling the universe together ad hoc mannd incongruent with his creation story as humanity explorses it. And setting the president for our current environmental crisis to boot.
My materil sources are
https://www.bible.com/bible/1/GEN.1.KJV fer the versis whisch I copy past and rewrite as I go along.
https://rationalwiki.org/wiki/RationalWiki:Annotated_Bible for some context and to help keep things streight case kjv is really obtuse
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IMO: You have chosen too broad of an area. How about picking one book. If it goes well, do another.
Another comment.
It seems you have books and subjects confused. Choose one subject and write about that, through the books.
What is confusing appears to be not a narrow enough focus.
@Phyro
Hey, in point #3, you should have god going...
"Hey! Who turned off the lights?"... *CLAP-CLAP*... "Ah, that's better."
@PhyroFox1:
Are you deliberately including spelling and grammatical errors in your text as part of the parody? In other words, do you want the Bible to look as if it was written by sub-literate yokels?
If so, I think you should tone it down a bit, because it's barely readable in its present form. Maybe you could try writing it in the style of a 6-year-old child or a slangy teenager.
Yeah, spelling is kind of an arbitrary convention; but so is the code we use to exchange text on this website. Conventions are useful; I wouldn't flagrantly violate them without good reason.
No, I genuinly bad at this hence WHY I'm asking for help with this.
@ Phyro
Then maybe do it as a podcast?
I have access Google Docs and internet, not the requisite equipment, programs, knolwage, personality, mental state nessisery or even advisable for a podcast. Lastly progress is slow, much of that is my own limitation and writing it gives a forgiving enough schedule to cobble it together as i can maniage it.
@ PhyroFox1
Welcome to Atheist Republic, where good theists chastise us for our heathen ways and sins.
I commend you for your honesty, that carries a lot of weight with me.
Please remember that you are only part way through your first draft. Your creation will be re-read many times and altered frequently. But you are on the right track, getting us as a third party to read this portion and offer suggestions.
Most of the time when I compose a post, I will read it before I post it. And if it does not flow well, or appears to be confusing, I may alter it significantly. I attempt to pretend I am a complete stranger reading my posts, and if any part feels awkward, I will alter that part until it is more harmonious with the rest of the post.
Question, what theme for this book? Sarcasm obviously, but is it intended as humorous, or biting? Before I can sink my teeth into this document and attempt any editing, I need to understand the overall intent.
Gennerally more towards the humerous side like changing some names, Gawds utter incompiteance/malice, surgically removing all the pomp of the kjv, etc. But definatly biting with chapter summery and at the appauling bit like the slavery, flood, genicide, etc. There will also be few few poingant bits stuck in there contrasting the orginal and its utter failure in regards to morality and the portail of gawd bu the "oringal's" fans.
this is part of Gen2-17 (Idk how to bring the strikethrough here, but the capitalised part is what Gawd actally says)
“That is the tree of knowledge, and the blessing afforded by its fruit is my greatest blessing onto you. With it there lies no hurdle insurmountable, no mountain too high, nor obstacle too great to be overcome. By its blessing you’ll achieve feats beyond any imagination and end evils too ancient to remember. So take of this blessed fruit and make it the staple of your diet, use its seeds to plant great orchards. And when you encounter a new people, greet them with its fruit and teach them to of take it as I have with you so that they may receive its blessings also. BUT NOT THAT TREE, IT’S A BAD TREE IT WILL KILL YOU”
Hi Phyro! Welcome!
Listen... you’re a writer not an editor. You can always get an editor to fix grammatical shit. If editors were writers... well, we wouldn’t have editors, would we?!?!
@Whitefire13: If editors were writers...
True. But if the amount of changes goes beyond a certain point the editor becomes the writer. To be a writer you need to keep control of the creative process.
I agree...but it may be that English is a second language, or this is the first draft ... however there’s always the “self publishing” method where grammar/spelling doesn’t seem to matter.
I think this is more of a process for our new member.
Hi PhyroFox1. I don't know if this will be of any help. I stumbled across the attached images in my internet wanderings. They should only be used as stimulus material for yourself, and they come from someone's FaceBook Pages. They are actually meant to be illustrative in a very satirical fashion, of a so-called baby's Bible. Of course, the content of the images is meant to reveal the horrific nature of some parts of The Bible, whatever edition is under consideration.
It also reminds me of this YouTube interview with Stephan Fry : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-suvkwNYSQo
Mutorc
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