Hi everyone,
I'm not sure if this sounds like an awkward topic but well, I've got nowhere else to discuss it. Can't even discuss it with family because as you all know, they are staunchly religious and I am completely godless.
Anyways, so my question is how does an atheist go about to finding a life partner or someone to date? I mean, when I used to be religious, it was already tough for me to make friends who were in the same standard of strictness of religion as me (some were very religious, some were very liberal and some in the middle). But now, as I imagine it, it seems to be a hundred times more harder to find someone with no religion at all, an atheist.
I'm asking this question NOT from the perspective of a citizen of a specific country, I'm asking it from the perspective of suppose, like living in a liberal place such as United Kingdom, United States of America, Australia, New Zealand or even Europe. I'd really like some tips regarding this because I have absolutely ZERO idea as to how to approach someone while being an atheist. Here are my dilemmas:
1) How does someone ask someone's religion or lack of it without offending or initiating a debate?
2) How does someone find an atheist to date?
3) I tried to research some dating websites (well, I've not always been fond of them) for atheists and agnostics but I can't seem to find anything reliable or trustworthy. How does this work guys?
4) Should the religiousness or lack thereof, of someone, be cleared prior in the first meeting before advancing further in the relationship or should it be asked later?
5) Suppose someone does find a desirable individual whom they wish to advance further in relationship (marry when both are okay) but somehow it happens that their parents are religious (like mine, but I am not); how does one talk to the parents of that individual or how does one introduce our parents to that individual?
6) How is a marriage of atheists carried out? Where exactly does it take place?
7) What about the oaths during marriage (they are mostly religious and this time it's an atheist marriage)?
8) If not priests, who exactly is present to instruct the bride and groom, in case of atheist marriage, about well, like it happens in a church you know, the guy recites things, asks for promises from both of them and then tells them that you are now husband and wife and etc. (gosh this is awkward when writing)
9) How do you teach your children important things like lying is not good while yourself knowing that you can't base it on the reason that god will punish you if you lie or you'll end up in jail (you won't). Similarly, how are other morals taught?
10) Do you suggest that atheist parents should gift their children books like those of Hitchens, Dawkins, Sam Harris and etc at the age of 14-15 and then let them decide what religion (if any) they wish to follow after 18?
Just how does it work guys, I'm very very confused. Ever since I've become an atheist, I've completely been reborn. I had to parent myself, teach myself all the morality again and eliminate all the old beliefs which had something or everything to do with my old religion. Therefore, I find myself confused about topics which I previously knew what to do about but now I don't know but would desperately like to know. It's like I know to know everything about what an atheist is supposed to do in situation X where X is just any situation which was previously carried out in accordance with religion like question 9.
Thanks and I look forward to your answers.
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In the United States, it is exactly like how theists get married. It is a license issued by the government; typically filed at a courthouse of some kind.
Now, I'm guessing you probably meant to ask about weddings (marriage ceremonies). Well you can have whatever ceremony you want, including the option of no ceremony.
/e this difference is import in the topic of gay marriage. Sometimes the theists who are opposed to homosexual marriage will intentionally confuse homosexual marriage with homosexual weddings. Then claim that their churches are being forced to preform homosexual marriage. Churches don't marry people, they preform weddings. The battle to allow homosexuals to get married is the battle to get the government to issue them marriage licenses.
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The oaths are part of the wedding (the ceremony), so you can have any oath you want (including none). It's common, even for theists, to make up their own custom oaths.
I’ll take a stab at a few of your questions...
#6 - it can take place anywhere you like.
#7 - lots of folks just write their own
#8 - when my youngest got married a couple of years ago, her sister officiated. There are many websites from which you can purchase the credentials allowing you to be a legal officiant.
#9 - you tell them not to do shitty stuff. Then you LEAD BY EXAMPLE
#10 - they are going to start asking questions about it way earlier than 14 or 15. I always found being honest worked well.
None of it is as hard as you might be making it. Atheism isn’t the only factor that can make or break a relationship. It’s actually not as big a deal as some other things (life goals, how finances are dealt with, sex, who does the dishes, etc.).
Hey there, Seek3R! Good to see you back. Like Cyber said, you are making this harder than you need to make it. Don't over-complicate things. Simply live your life in the manner you know to be true and just, and try to frequent places and/or sites where there are people who share your same interests. I'm afraid I'm not one to be giving advice about how to consistently meet women, because I was never very good at that myself during my eligible bachelor years. However, I can attempt to give a bit of input on a few of your other questions if you would like.
#5 - If you do happen to find a young lady who meets your "atheist requirements" and things advance to the point of "time to meet the parents", then that young lady should be the one to advise you on how to conduct yourself around her parents should it become necessary. Just like it would be your responsibility to advise her on how to conduct herself around your parents. Besides, you two are adults, right? Therefore, while it is certainly nice to have the approval of the parents of your potential spouse, it is not a requirement. It is you and your lady who want to live together and make a life with each other. Parents not necessary for that if they choose not to be a part of your life.
#6, 7, 8 - The marriage of an atheist is no different than the marriage of a theist. Even though I had not fully embraced atheism at the time I got married, I was definitely right on the edge of cutting loose from religion. My wife is Pagan with a side order of Witchcraft. Believe it or not, though, when we got married, we actually used a preacher who was a long-time friend of her family. We had a private and simple ceremony in our own backyard with only her, me, the preacher, my brother, and a good buddy of mine. Lasted all of then to fifteen minutes, and I wrote my own vows. Sweet and simple and to the point. No fuss, no muss. Bottom line is, you can choose whatever method you want to get married.
Hope this helps a bit.
I get E-mail from a dating site... https://agnostic.com/
Keep in mind, xford University Press reports about a previous study done by AAI:
“ ...atheism remains a male-dominated affair. Data collected by the Atheist Alliance International (2011) show that in Britain, women account for 21.6% of atheists (as opposed to 77.9% men). In the United States men make up 70% of Americans who identify as atheist. In Poland, 32% of atheists are female, and similarly in Australia it is 31.5%[8]" https://www.conservapedia.com/Atheism_and_women
Atheism is largely a White, middle class, male, affair. We still make up a very small percent of the population. Not saying there isn't a nice atheist gal out there for you, but you are limiting your field.
Heya. I'm an atheist woman in the U.S. who has navigated trying to date other atheists, so I thought I'd take a stab at a few of your questions:
1) I usually lightheartedly/jokingly mention that I was raised a fundamentalist Christian but that it did NOT work out for me, and now I'm a heathen atheist. Then I just tack on a casual "are you religious?"
2) Meeting other atheists to date usually either happens through other atheists I know, or through online dating sites. I also live in a liberal city, so it's not uncommon to randomly meet other atheists. Age makes a difference, too. At least in my area, the younger you are, the more likely you are to be an atheist.
3) I've really only used okcupid, but their site allows you to choose what religion/atheist you are and whether you're serious about it. That's definitely helpful in weeding people out, but not everyone answers that question. I'm clear in my profile that I'm an atheist (which weeds out more). I'm personally open to dating someone who considers themselves "spiritual" as long as it's in the vein of digging meditation and finding the world to be awe inspiring. I've found that some people use that term without meaning anything supernatural.
4) I don't worry about knowing whether someone is an atheist before meeting them.
9) Our morals developed because they help us survive and to create a harmonious society. Teaching kids that doing "bad" things hurts other people and our relationships with them seems a much clearer, more compassionate, and less abstract way to teach morality than the threat of punishment from a distant/hypothetical god.
Edited to add clarification.
Hi Seek3R. I know you said you've tried the dating sites, but based on my experience that's pretty much your best hope. If you go with one of the major dating sites, you can do a search and filter the results by Atheist, or Agnostic, or Spiritual but not religious. It will by far be the most amount of access to nonbelievers that you'd be able to find any other way. I hope this helps.
@Seek3r
1.) Asking can be tricky. Especially if you have no idea their particular stance. I will say if you pick a college town or a major city, chance are higher the person is not religious or just does not really care. I find a lot of people that even say they are christian barely give thought to god /spirituality/ church. Still I would recommend early on in a date/chatting process to simply volunteer that you are newly atheist and ask them how they feel about that.
2.) I would recommend dating sites (seen a few sites that will ask if you are religious, how religious, what religion etc to help you better match with people and you can easily filter out people that are highly religious. Beyond dating websites I would recommend getting involved with activities that tend to attract larger shares of atheist/agnostic/dont-care people. I think astronomy viewing groups, higher education groups (especially in STEM related fields) tend to attract more atheist then not, you will find on many of these campuses the default is to assume people are agnostic/atheist.
Oops ran out of time. Will answer more if you are interested at a later time.
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