I raised my 25 year old daughter as an atheist, but she has decided to become a Catholic within the last year. She has gone through the complete RCIA, baptism and confirmation. She now attends church 5 or 6 days a week and believes in the whole thing with all her heart.
I have always told my kids that they are free to believe whatever they want, although now that she has chosen this, I am having a hard time with it. I have tried discussing the lack of proof of the existence of God, as well as the authorship of the Bible, and the bizarre stories in the Bible. At this point, I am not sure if I should start going to church with her to hear what they are filling her head with, or just agree to disagree and try not to discuss it. I don’t want to alienate her, but I would like to keep gently pushing at the strings of the myth to try to unravel it in her mind.
She welcomes discussions, but she believes that she knows the truth and she speaks in terms of what “the church teaches us” and talks a lot about sacred tradition, which to me is just stories passed on from person to person, but to her is the word passed down directly from Jesus and his disciples.
I have other children, but she is the only one who has chosen this path. It is a very strange position for me. Has anyone else been in this position, and how did you handle it?
Thanks
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How do you know when your children are ready to leave the nest? They begin making their own decisions, independent of anything you ever hoped or dreamed for them. You have succeeded in raising an adult who is complete, strong, and capable of making her own decisions in life, even when she knows those decisions may not meet with your approval. That makes you a very successful mother. Her choices do not have to be your choices. She can live a happy and fulfilling life as a theist. We (the atheists) are not the ones running about screaming that a person can not be moral without atheism. We are not the ones threatening to burn people forever when they disagree with us. We are not the ones condemning those we love to hell when they disagree with our views. We do not kick our children out of the home or disown them when they don't share our views. We are better than that. We are Atheists.
Hey, if the two of you can find common ground, there is nothing to fear.
@Mom23 ……
I think you need to be very careful over this matter …..
Do not start going to church with her …..
she will see it as you attempting to 1/ invade her space .2/ exert your control over her & 3/ just think what a priest would make of it ….,why give them a weapon.
Do not say you want to find out "what they are filling her head with" ….
It implies that she is gullible and not capable of making her own decisions ….
Do not continue "gently pulling at the strings" …. it will come across as nagging...
Your daughter is 25.... a woman grown ….. she has her own mind .. she must find her own path..... it does not have to be your path.
If you can allow her the freedom to make her own mistakes then she may well come to you when she sees the failings of the church.
Think of how you would have felt at 25 if your mother had tried to alter your mindset in the way you want to alter hers.....
Try to have patience with her …… but let her "breath"...…
@ Mom 23
If your daughter is 25, since when is it any of your business?
Love her, accept her but her life is now her own. Draw boundaries about preaching by all means but otherwise...a "that's nice dear" will be all the discouragement needed.
She is her own person.
Howdy, Mom23. Welcome to the AR. I don't have any kids of my own, so I am no expert on this matter by any means. However, to echo what a couple of others have already said, your daughter is a grown woman now. Free to make her own decisions, for better or worse. You either accept who she is and respect her decisions and continue to love her for who she is, or you turn your back on her in the same manner that I have personally seen "Good God-fearing Christians" turn their backs on their own family/friends who no longer share their religious dogmas. Of course, another option is to constantly annoy her and nag her about her decision until she reaches her breaking point and chooses to shut you out of her life. Personal opinion here, but if you start "putting her down" and constantly criticizing her choice to join the church, then you are really not much better than all those theists who do the same to atheists who choose not to believe in their "loving god." Your choice, though.
Thank you all for your thoughtful advice. You’re right, Cognostic, I have raised a strong, independent young woman, and I am proud of who she is, despite the fact she has chosen this path. I no longer try to have religious discussions with her, beyond saying things like “I’m glad you are enjoying it”. She doesn’t try to preach, but lets us know tidbits of what she thinks are factual bits of information about one of the Saints or the meaning of different rituals or different masses. We have a fairly good relationship and she is close to her brothers. At this point in time, it’s her life and if she chooses to spend it sitting in church 5 days a week and praying to God and studying the Catholic faith, that’s up to her. My job is to love her no matter what.
I still can’t help but feel an uncomfortable twinge when she tells me she has regular meetings with the priest for spiritual guidance about her life. Yes, she is 25 years old, but on the other hand, she is only 25 years old. I always thought I would be a mentor to her as an adult, but according to her, the priest even knows more than I do about relationships between men and women. That was disappointing to hear a daughter say to her mom.
The ironic part of this story is that I was raised a Catholic, and became an atheist when I was in my 20s. After the initial shock, my mom now just calls me her angel whose halo has slipped. I guess my daughter decided to pick up my halo and put it on! Ha ha!
I’m sure whatever my daughter does with her life, she will be fine. Life is too short for me to spend one minute of my time in religious debates with her. Thank you all for giving me this forum to air my concerns. It is a breath of fresh air to find some like minded people to talk to.
@mom23
Atta girl! Yeh, kids tend to do the darndest things....just have to grit teeth and try and smile through the pain/panic/irritation/ blood red anger/wonder where they got the stupid from......
You are doing great, and, as others have said, at least you brought someone up that makes their own decisions, even though it ultimately means she has given away her own power.
Stay strong, please hang out here anytime you feel you need a dose of sanity....lol.
You just hang in there. Your daughter needs you in her life even if you do not see eye to eye on things. Supporting her and being there for when she needs you is all a good mom can do. Fighting with her over the path she has chosen to follow will only serve to drive a wedge between you. Follow behind her and be ready to catch her if she should stumble or fall. You know how to do this. You are the one who taught her to walk.
I have read that some people who haven't had a religious experience during adolescence will do so later in life for various reasons. Some of these people will drift away from their new faith in time and resume an atheist/agnostic/deist/ whatever view. Some remain devout theists.
Madelaine Murray O'Hare's son, William J. Murray, the one who led the protest against mandatory prayers in school in the early 1960s, later became a fervent christian and turned on his mother. You can imagine how she would have tried to dissuade him, which would only have forced him further into his faith. He later became the president/chairman of various christian organisations and has made a career warning against communism, atheism and Islam.
Their experience must stand as a good example of how not to deal with later life conversions.
From what I read here Mom23, you have done fine and I think you have the right tact.