(Posted this in another thread, but it fits nicely here, too... *grin*...)

This just in from The Daily Jerusalem Gazette...

Date: Good Friday (Late March or early April, depending on the moon phases), in the year of our Lord 33… Uh, no, 30…. Wait… 36?... Aw, hell, somewhere between 30 and 40…

Jesus of Nazareth, age 33, died on a cross today in a tragic crucifixion accident in a little town called Calvary, located on the outskirts of Jerusalem. Jesus was the son of Mother Mary (a reported “virgin”) and Father God (esteemed creator of the universe), and was the stepson of some guy named Joseph (a moderately successful carpenter). Jesus was born in the little town of Bethlehem, away in a manger with no crib for a bed. The event of his birth was attended and celebrated by three scouts (one from Arabia, one from Persia, and one from India) seeking the next Dali Lama. Many expensive gifts were offered by the scouts in an attempt to win the favor of his parents. Music for the festivities was provided by a poor kid with a drum.

Although Jesus was very poor and never known to have a steady job, he was said to have been a very generous volunteer who was always willing to help his fellow man. There were supposedly many witnesses who claimed to have seen him renovate local temples, heal all manner of physical ailments within the regional populace, and feed multitudes of people with a buffet of fish and bread. As a result, Jesus was loved so dearly by those who met him they often claimed he could “walk on water”. Jesus was also a favorite guest at parties, as one of his many talents included changing water into wine. He always spoke strongly against wealth and the love of material possessions, yet he never turned down a free meal at the house of a poor person. Jesus had a posse of twelve faithful homeboys and one smoking hot prostitute who followed him on his journeys throughout the region, helping him spread his words of love, hope, peace, and gruesome eternal torture to all who did not love his Father.

On the day of the accident, authorities reported that Jesus was somehow impaled by three separate spikes that managed to keep him suspended to a cross type structure high upon the hill overlooking the small town. Roman guards rushed to the scene to investigate the incident and render aid. Unfortunately, while attempting to remove Jesus from the cross structure, one of the guards had an accidental spear thrusting, causing the tip of the guard’s spear to puncture Jesus on or about the front-left torso region. The incident is still being investigated by authorities, even though Jesus was reported to already be dead prior to being speared by the guard. An anonymous citizen who was on scene stated the last words he heard spoken by Jesus before the guards were able to remove him from the cross structure were, “Please! Somebody tell the rabbit to hide all the eggs!” Resurrection services are to be held Easter Sunday at the empty tomb. (You know…THE empty tomb.)